Muddled Thoughts

18 11 2008

I seem to get more traffice to my website whenever I post something controversial. Take last week: I write a post against Prop 8 and I get 80 hits in one night. Previously, I wrote a post about how much I hate John Calvin, and I got 60 some hits in one night. I don’t think it’s a coincidence, but I would really like it if people read my posts for other reasons, you know?

I was thinking this the other day:

There was this very ominous sky this one night. I can remember that I was leaving the library somewhere around 3 AM and there was a little chill in the air. The dark clouds above slightly screened the full moon in above and I was enraptured in that immediate moment. I just felt so tiny and inconsequential. It was like at any moment the sky would just open its gaping mouth like a mighty bass and swallow me whole. The sky, the clouds, the moon, everything would just collapse. It would all be over that quick and everything in the world would just move on after a while. Almost as if nothing had happened. Of course, there would be that time where people would be sad about losing me, but after that…nothing.

That really bothers me. I know that we should feel like our lives are important and that everything we do has some sort of greater meaning. But I didn’t feel that right then. I felt like all we really are is just something temporary. Eventually, regardless of what you have done in this life, we all just fade out. What a cold, empty feeling that is. I hope you never feel like that.

Still, I don’t believe that’s what actually happens to people. But that’s what I felt at that moment in time. Life is so weird, wonderful, sad, uncomfortable, hard, inspiring, and everything else all at once. I think that’s what makes life so indescribable. We all do it, we all have different experiences with it, we all live it differently, and yet it is still the same thing that we all must deal with until we have made something beautiful from it.

Home in one week from today. I’m really excited to go downtown and walk Lincoln Park and get some Giordano’s. Really. How funny.

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One response

18 11 2008
Danielle

I always kind of wonder why we, as humans, are the only one in the animal kingdom who seem to care at all about importance.

It is a reoccurring theme in my head, really. Is it to grandiose of an idea to think I matter?

Good thoughts…. I enjoy reading them when I remember… I generally click your link on facebook…

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