27 06 2008

I always think of life as different stages. There’s that “Adult, but not self-sufficient” stage, and “Getting older, but still not a grandparent” stage, and others. In those different stages, there’s key moments or just memories one might have from those times, and I always think of what those memories from those times will be like or were like. I remember certain times from those awkward high school years, and how I felt. I replay all these memories and potential memories in my mind all of the time lately. I can’t really explain why, because I honestly don’t know. I’ve just felt this intense curiosity (as I always have) to really understand this reality we all live in. (Or maybe just mine, since how can I really know whether or not the reality I am living is really shared by anyone else. Try thinking about that for a while and don’t get confused.) I always feel like these memories can just be relived and experienced again, but they can’t. It’s almost like it’s a game or something, where I can start from the beginning and change things around to get to something new. Like, I could be something completely different from what I am now, just based on simple differences of choices. That’s the thing about the potential futures we all have. I’m so excited to see where I will end up, and what my life will become, but at the same time, I wish I could see where I could have ended up. It’s just something I think about a lot. It really takes carpe diem to a new extreme.

We’re all supposed to do that. But people don’t do that, though. It’s not our faults or anything. We don’t consciously choose to not live life to the fullest. It just sort of happens. We just fall into this habit of normalcy, and we just go about our lives without a care. Then something happens that catches our attention, and we get into a state of alertness where we do pay attention to what’s going on for a period of time. Eventually we fall back in, though. It’s normal.

So…if we are supposed to “live life to the fullest” and make everything of what we can, why aren’t we able to do that, and what does it mean that we can’t? Maybe all it really proves is that life isn’t perfect, and things would be too easy if everything could work out in that way.

But if you are like me, you suspect that there’s something deeper going on there. I don’t know what, but maybe something will hit me soon.

I feel this hunger to draw something. It’s literally like a hunger. I just feel like art can get my ideas across better than words sometimes, but then really, no one can ever really understand what you feel. Not unless they are experiencing the same reality, but I’ve already been down that road.

Chew on that for a while.




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