27 06 2008

I always think of life as different stages. There’s that “Adult, but not self-sufficient” stage, and “Getting older, but still not a grandparent” stage, and others. In those different stages, there’s key moments or just memories one might have from those times, and I always think of what those memories from those times will be like or were like. I remember certain times from those awkward high school years, and how I felt. I replay all these memories and potential memories in my mind all of the time lately. I can’t really explain why, because I honestly don’t know. I’ve just felt this intense curiosity (as I always have) to really understand this reality we all live in. (Or maybe just mine, since how can I really know whether or not the reality I am living is really shared by anyone else. Try thinking about that for a while and don’t get confused.) I always feel like these memories can just be relived and experienced again, but they can’t. It’s almost like it’s a game or something, where I can start from the beginning and change things around to get to something new. Like, I could be something completely different from what I am now, just based on simple differences of choices. That’s the thing about the potential futures we all have. I’m so excited to see where I will end up, and what my life will become, but at the same time, I wish I could see where I could have ended up. It’s just something I think about a lot. It really takes carpe diem to a new extreme.

We’re all supposed to do that. But people don’t do that, though. It’s not our faults or anything. We don’t consciously choose to not live life to the fullest. It just sort of happens. We just fall into this habit of normalcy, and we just go about our lives without a care. Then something happens that catches our attention, and we get into a state of alertness where we do pay attention to what’s going on for a period of time. Eventually we fall back in, though. It’s normal.

So…if we are supposed to “live life to the fullest” and make everything of what we can, why aren’t we able to do that, and what does it mean that we can’t? Maybe all it really proves is that life isn’t perfect, and things would be too easy if everything could work out in that way.

But if you are like me, you suspect that there’s something deeper going on there. I don’t know what, but maybe something will hit me soon.

I feel this hunger to draw something. It’s literally like a hunger. I just feel like art can get my ideas across better than words sometimes, but then really, no one can ever really understand what you feel. Not unless they are experiencing the same reality, but I’ve already been down that road.

Chew on that for a while.



9 06 2008

Currently listening to The Shins – Wincing the Night Away (I recently just rediscovered that album.)

What are relationships?

I’m not talking about dating or marriage. I’m talking about social connections with other people. (The point I am going to make certainly applies to dating, however)

Think about this: We all know lots of people. We’ve met a lot of people, too. The people we know and are friends with, we stayed friends with them because they were fun to be around or we liked their company or whatever. Family is like this, too. Even though we are related, we can choose to remain close to them (once we are independent.)

So…are all of the relationships we have just something were hoping to get something out of? I mean, if we didn’t like being with other people, we wouldn’t hang out with them. We have to have a reason to be with them. We have to get something out of it.

Doesn’t that strike anyone else as meaningless? I guess I feel like there’s more to it than that, but right now, after recent things with my dad and other people, this is what I’m thinking about right now. At times, this seems so simple and other times it feels so profound.

Maybe I’m just tired. I don’t know. With some of the things that I have been thinking about the way our society is, I want to have faith that we not all screwed up. I just feel so uninspired. So…dead on the inside. (Spiritually and emotionally) When I feel like this, I like to listen to the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack. Seriously. The cool, cool sound of that music just sort of fits.

Do you ever think about reality? I mean, do you consciously observe reality? When you’re walking around, doing every-day things, do you really take time and enjoy those feelings and emotions you get? I’ve been doing this. It’s kind of weird, actually. But, I enjoy it. I enjoy being alive and experiencing things. Even just enjoying something like drinking water feels so real. It’s difficult to really explain feelings like that, but really, if feelings were so simple to explain they wouldn’t be as amazing and wonderful as they are. I think God had that in mind.
Like I said…I’m tired. And I think too much. (Yeah, I did that purposefully)