9 02 2008

            It’s getting close to my birthday. Tuesday is the 12th, meaning it will be two months until I turn 20. I know that seems so silly to be thinking about it. Not sure why I am exactly, to be honest. My birthday has always been really weird. The only ones I can really remember as a kid, I always went to Chuck E. Cheese and had a good time with my family. Then as I grew out of that, I just went to dinner with my family. It wasn’t until I turned 18 that I had a really good birthday. I skipped school and did anything I wanted. I went out to breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I got my ear pierced, I got a full body massage, and I went to a movie. It was great to do something special for once. This past year blew. I didn’t really do anything, after plans were cancelled at the last second because of an emergency. I hated it.


I guess I have this idea in my head of what a birthday should be like, and my actual birthday never adds up to that picture.


I guess I have this picture where people really care and want to make my birthday special. But, this never happens. I never really poured into a lot of people in high school past a superficial level. My problems or concerns were just that, and they were no one else’s business. To a large extent, I’ve done the same thing here at school. I can relate to people well, but I never can really get to know people. I think that’s because I never had friends when I was younger. I was too shy and quiet, and almost all of the “friendships” were just acquaintances. Except Max, of course. Max and I were really close as kids. When he moved away, it killed me because he was the only real friend I had ever had. I wish it was still like that. You know, where you can be so simple minded and not care about complicated things. All you had to worry about was getting to the next level, or shooting the invisible bad guy hiding behind the tree with your orange blaster rifle. But, I really wish I would have had really close friends in high school that would have stayed with me. This is probably why I never really cared about high school, and why I don’t care to ever go back.


This brings me back to the first point: That I really just want to have a good birthday again.  I mean, birthdays are the one day of the year where it’s supposed to be about you for a change. And for me, it rarely has been. At least it’s on a Saturday this year. Next year it’s on Easter, which is pretty cool I guess. I guess all I want is people to care about it a little bit. I don’t even care if nothing really awesome happens. I just want a little something. Anything. Just not another lifeless one. I don’t think that’s asking for much. I never ask people for much. I don’t think I can ever depend on people for much of anything.


Sometimes everything can just drive you in the muck. You just get eaten alive. The muck just wears you down gradually and steadily until you get to a breaking point. You can choose to give in and submit, or you can fight on only to get pushed to that breaking point again.


After getting to that point for so long, I’m wondering whether submission is as bad as it seems sometimes. Or if I even really know what it is.


I just know that I’m tired and drained, physically and mentally, and I’ve got to do something about it. The trouble is, there’s nothing I can do about it. Where is the reprieve I am so desperately longing for? I need it now. I don’t think I can wait much longer for a short, little break. Just long enough for me to recover and then get back to working myself hard.


The work would be so much easier if it had any real meaning. At least I would know why.




2 responses

10 02 2008
Adam Brown

“Everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out, it’s not the end.”

10 02 2008

I am with you on the whole birthday thing. When I was little my mom used to throw me parties with my friends from school coming over. I made the realization once that I don’t actually talk to a single one of those people. My sweet sixteen was celebrated my my sister and her two friends taking me with them to Chicago for the day. I got a fake tatoo and scared the crap out of my mom. It was actually quite fun. The only one that was celebrated with friends in high school was just another day of hanging out, but i got a couple of presents too. My 21st, the one that everyone marks with their first trip to the bars, was not even at them. I didn’t do the traditional 21 shots and the majority of my best friends, even one that went to my school, weren’t there. So I think the reason that older people truly hate birthdays, is because of how much of a disappointment they eventually become. I think the thing that you have to remember is that it’s only one day out of the year. The best way to spend it is exactly like you did for your eighteenth. And know that those that would help you make it special if they could be with you, are definitely thinking about you and wishing they were. That’s all you can hope for and make the best of what you do get.

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