28 01 2008

Have you ever pushed someone away because you were afraid with how close you were to them? Or because you cared so much about them?

I have. More than once.

It seems so right at the time. I felt like that’s what I needed because I acted out of fear. There’s a lot of fear that comes with that. There’s the fear that they will get too close, or that you will care too much, or that it makes you feel to responsible, or it makes you feel like you are growing up when all along you want to be that little boy again, deep down in your soul. It’s such a strong fear. It just possesses you. That fear just grabs you by the throat and doesn’t ever let go until you give in. You can’t do anything about it except give in. It’s always there, and you always feel it. Then, when you finally give in to that unreasonable fear, you feel the release. But, it’s an incomplete release. You wonder if that was really the right thing to do, now that you are finally free from that fear. To give in to that fear of such a inane fear is a cowardly, but uncowardly thing to do. It’s very difficult to describe in the right words. I know that when it happens it completely makes sense, but every time afterwards, I question my actions.

Of course, you always wish you could take it all back. That’s too easy, though, and if there’s anything I have figured out in my live thus far it is that life is not easy. Life is trying. That’s the point, though, right? If life didn’t push you hard, it wouldn’t be much of a life, would it? What would be accomplished? What would give one meaning?

When I think about it from the theological perspective, I know that God just wants me to have someone that I can count on in my life, which has been absent for most of it. I can count on people sometimes, but eventually, those people go away. For as long back as I can remember, I’ve had completely different friends all my life. Very rarely do I have the same circle of friends. It always changes. I’m not sure why that is. But, I desperately want them to remain the same. I want to have that circle of friends that will always be there. But, it’s impossible. I’m never in the same place in my life for too long, physically, emotionally, or intellectually. It’s this constant cycle I’ve always been going through. I don’t understand why God would put me in this cycle constantly. I know He has this reason for it, but I wish I knew. So much of my life has been spent alone. At home, at school, etc. It’s has been so painful to constantly alone. I wish I understood the reasons behind it, but I doubt I ever will.

This cycle is endless and infinite. It’s a feiry, rolling, burning wheel of chaos and at the same time, it is cold, austere, and apathetic. I could understand everything about it, and yet it wouldn’t be able to explain why it happened to me.

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2 responses

29 01 2008
Lauren

That’s the story of my life. All you can do is keep trying. And don’t give up on the friends that you do have. Trust me, it’s sometimes hard, but normally worth it.

30 01 2008
Mark

You do have to not give up on the friends you do have. I don’t know if you really believe me, but I am there for you no matter what. You know my phone is always on, and I am always waiting for it to ring.

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