18 01 2008

I got my passport in the mail today.

This past winter break was very trying on me. I had to face a lot of hard truths. I realized about a week in that Indiana is not my home anymore. The ties that I had there have disappeared. My family still lives there, but that’s it. The people that I once knew are gone. The places that I used to go seem so foreign to me now. It’s as if any connection I had with Indiana is gone. When I am here in Texas, I don’t feel any longing to go back. All that happens when I go back is I sit around the house with nothing to do, and no one to see. If I see my dad, all he can talk about is the divorce and why he had to do it and that he is so sorry and he wishes he would have done it a long time ago and that he never cheated on my mom even though we both know that’s a load of shit. My mom can only say how much she wishes things were different. No one can stop talking about it and I’m so sick of it. It happened, and I’ve dealt with it. I don’t care anymore.

I guess this is why I’m not going to Indiana for the summer.

I’m not sure what I will do or where I will go. I could always stay in Fort Worth and live off-campus somewhere. But that idea doesn’t really excite me. I really want to go somewhere new and different. I’ve been talking to various people around campus to see what kind of opportunities there are. I don’t really care where I go. Just somewhere different. Anything is better than going back to Indiana. I just want to get out and explore the world before I get constrained by the responsibilities of being a real adult, and I can feel that coming onto me so fast.

The thing that really hurts, though, is that this isn’t home either. I don’t have a place here to return to. I don’t have people waiting for me to get back or anything like that. I suppose that when I finish with seminary or grad school that I will have that, but that is a long time from now. Even then, I may not have that sort of comfort. It’s very hard for me to think about that. But, if life were so easy, great men would not exist.

I just know that I’ll go nuts if I have to go home and do this all again for 3 months. Last summer was bad enough. I can’t handle going through it all again.

I can’t really handle a lot anymore. Things will get better though. They can’t get any worse.

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2 responses

20 01 2008
Richard Cour de Leon

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

10 02 2008
Adam Brown

Well articulated. I feel the same way, for both the same and different reasons. Indiana isn’t home anymore, and I don’t feel the need to go back again. California isn’t really home yet, but then again it’s still foreign to me. Against the vast area of this state, the parts I’ve seen compose a tiny fraction of it.

However weird it feels right now, I’m really excited to get to know this place better. It’s so unlike what I used to know, and there’s a lot to learn here. And one thing I’ve learned so far is that it isn’t where I am geographically, it’s where I am spiritually. If I’m at home in my heart, I take my home with me everywhere I go.

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