31 01 2008

As I was watching the Democratic debate tonight, I realized something about myself that many people in this country would consider extremely unpatriotic.

I realized that I am not proud to be an American.

When I came to that realization, I thought about why that was the case, and I think it is because the consensus attitude most Americans have of our country is far too arrogant. Not just about our country, but also at an individual level. Many people in this country are too proud to do such simple things. When I worked as a drone at a Dairy Queen back home, making hamburgers, I learned a lot about how the country really runs. There’s so many people out there doing such menial labor, but it’s so essential. Yet, those people who work so hard have so little to show for it. I’m not saying by any means that they should be paid huge amounts more than what they are earning now, but I do think there is a problem with their current salaries. It’s not right that some people have to work two or three jobs just to support a family, and then not even succeed. There are so many people in this country that have so much more than they need. I’m not sure what the solution is for all this. I see this problem, and it sickens me. My environmental science professor was discussing issues with overpopulation in class on Tuesday, and he talked about the 80/20 rule, which is 20% of the population uses 80% of our resources. That’s such a gross imbalance, and it makes me want to vomit. Yet, what can I do about it, especially when I am in that 20% of the population?

This is why I want to be a minister to people overseas.

Maybe not so much a minister as someone to help that 80% achieve the quality of life they so rightfully deserve. I definitely feel called to serve God. I know that my future lies in serving God in some capacity. But, I also feel that God is calling me to do something about these injustices that are plaguing our planet. I feel ashamed to consider myself apart of that 20%. How can so many people idly sit by and watch the 2.1 billion people on the planet live in absolute poverty? None of it makes any sense to me.

Here’s a feast for your eyes on the current population issue:

It’s very worry-some to me. There’s a very big problem, and no one seems to want to address it.


28 01 2008

Have you ever pushed someone away because you were afraid with how close you were to them? Or because you cared so much about them?

I have. More than once.

It seems so right at the time. I felt like that’s what I needed because I acted out of fear. There’s a lot of fear that comes with that. There’s the fear that they will get too close, or that you will care too much, or that it makes you feel to responsible, or it makes you feel like you are growing up when all along you want to be that little boy again, deep down in your soul. It’s such a strong fear. It just possesses you. That fear just grabs you by the throat and doesn’t ever let go until you give in. You can’t do anything about it except give in. It’s always there, and you always feel it. Then, when you finally give in to that unreasonable fear, you feel the release. But, it’s an incomplete release. You wonder if that was really the right thing to do, now that you are finally free from that fear. To give in to that fear of such a inane fear is a cowardly, but uncowardly thing to do. It’s very difficult to describe in the right words. I know that when it happens it completely makes sense, but every time afterwards, I question my actions.

Of course, you always wish you could take it all back. That’s too easy, though, and if there’s anything I have figured out in my live thus far it is that life is not easy. Life is trying. That’s the point, though, right? If life didn’t push you hard, it wouldn’t be much of a life, would it? What would be accomplished? What would give one meaning?

When I think about it from the theological perspective, I know that God just wants me to have someone that I can count on in my life, which has been absent for most of it. I can count on people sometimes, but eventually, those people go away. For as long back as I can remember, I’ve had completely different friends all my life. Very rarely do I have the same circle of friends. It always changes. I’m not sure why that is. But, I desperately want them to remain the same. I want to have that circle of friends that will always be there. But, it’s impossible. I’m never in the same place in my life for too long, physically, emotionally, or intellectually. It’s this constant cycle I’ve always been going through. I don’t understand why God would put me in this cycle constantly. I know He has this reason for it, but I wish I knew. So much of my life has been spent alone. At home, at school, etc. It’s has been so painful to constantly alone. I wish I understood the reasons behind it, but I doubt I ever will.

This cycle is endless and infinite. It’s a feiry, rolling, burning wheel of chaos and at the same time, it is cold, austere, and apathetic. I could understand everything about it, and yet it wouldn’t be able to explain why it happened to me.

18 01 2008

I got my passport in the mail today.

This past winter break was very trying on me. I had to face a lot of hard truths. I realized about a week in that Indiana is not my home anymore. The ties that I had there have disappeared. My family still lives there, but that’s it. The people that I once knew are gone. The places that I used to go seem so foreign to me now. It’s as if any connection I had with Indiana is gone. When I am here in Texas, I don’t feel any longing to go back. All that happens when I go back is I sit around the house with nothing to do, and no one to see. If I see my dad, all he can talk about is the divorce and why he had to do it and that he is so sorry and he wishes he would have done it a long time ago and that he never cheated on my mom even though we both know that’s a load of shit. My mom can only say how much she wishes things were different. No one can stop talking about it and I’m so sick of it. It happened, and I’ve dealt with it. I don’t care anymore.

I guess this is why I’m not going to Indiana for the summer.

I’m not sure what I will do or where I will go. I could always stay in Fort Worth and live off-campus somewhere. But that idea doesn’t really excite me. I really want to go somewhere new and different. I’ve been talking to various people around campus to see what kind of opportunities there are. I don’t really care where I go. Just somewhere different. Anything is better than going back to Indiana. I just want to get out and explore the world before I get constrained by the responsibilities of being a real adult, and I can feel that coming onto me so fast.

The thing that really hurts, though, is that this isn’t home either. I don’t have a place here to return to. I don’t have people waiting for me to get back or anything like that. I suppose that when I finish with seminary or grad school that I will have that, but that is a long time from now. Even then, I may not have that sort of comfort. It’s very hard for me to think about that. But, if life were so easy, great men would not exist.

I just know that I’ll go nuts if I have to go home and do this all again for 3 months. Last summer was bad enough. I can’t handle going through it all again.

I can’t really handle a lot anymore. Things will get better though. They can’t get any worse.

10 01 2008

I suppose I got this blog to have a place where I can write the random, but significant thoughts that come into my mind.  I’m not exactly sure what those will be. As any young man growing up in this postmodern world, I am condemned to have opinions on every topic imaginable.  Count on me writing about current news events and such, but also on the obscure. I don’t know who is reading this, if anyone, but as always I am open to different opinions, as long as you extend the same courtesy that I extend to you.

For lack of a better topic to discuss for my cherry popping post, I’d like to share my thoughts on the upcoming Decision ’08.

I think it’s hilarious how I am technically an “undecided”, but I have made decisions as who I will not vote for. For one, I will never vote for Mitt Romney. I think he is a person that acts not out of courage, but of fear. Having heard him speak (if hearing him speak on television counts), I think he is fearful of potential terrorist attacks on the US. In of itself this is not bad, but his response to this situation is. His response is one that is based on fear. It seems to me that he wants to take some of our freedoms away to keep us safe. To quote Ben Franklin, “Those that sacrifice essential liberties for a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” This kind of government policy leads us down a path of totalitarianism that Orwell warned us about in 1984. It’s dangerous, not to mention that it goes against the beliefs that America was founded upon.

Hilary Clinton is another that I will not vote for. It has nothing to do with her policy or beliefs. I don’t agree with them, but that is not the main concern I have. The main issues I have are not personal problems I have with her. The big issue I have is her husband. Don’t get me wrong, though. Bill Clinton, aside from his scandal, was a good president. He did a lot of things to help the economy, and all. However, I feel that one, people are electing Hillary to get Bill back in the White House. Not only do I disagree with this, I think it’s horrible policy. He was a good president, but we need new blood in the White House. If Hillary is elected, it will be (like the media has portrayed it) a two-headed president. The other issue I issue I have with Hillary is one that might get me in some trouble. I have a problem with a woman being in the White House under the current foreign relation clusterfuck we are in. No offense to her, but the leaders of the Middle East do not respect women. They do not want to have a woman tell them what to do. If we want to make strides in foreign policy, Hillary is not the person to do that with.

The last person I refuse to vote for is Rudy Giuliani. This one is easy. I can’t vote for him because I don’t think he has any real experience, other than the fact he was New York’s mayor. I think that is hardly enough experience to lead an entire nation.

 Anyway, these are my opinons. You don’t have to agree. If you don’t, I want to hear your opinions. Please just let me know. I’m open to all opinions. Thanks for reading. Take care, friends.